The film of my 2017 will have that as its working title.
I know my mission: to always go high. To leave everything I touch better for my having been there.
My mission informs my Story. But my Story currently includes all the drama attached to my personal mental health, my advocacy and my professional work lives. It also includes huge, unexpected and dramatic changes in my circumstances.
My self care regime as I have been working through this painful time - with a caring, compassionate husband, a great therapist, and a huge support network - includes the practice of mindfulness. This useful exercise has helped me understand and connect with my own internal Storyteller's voice so much better. In moments of extreme anxiety, sadness, or stress, the exercise of taking an observer's stance, acknowledging the thoughts but not being consumed by them, has been enlightening for me.
I begin to understand how important the concept of Character is to my world view.
You see, I had my own Character's entire back story written. Wife. Co-host of the Friday Night Open Stage. Musical partner to Greg, one of the finest men I know and a monster talent just waiting to be discovered. Co-owner of Meadow Lane Studio, with a vision to help other musical voices find expression. Step-mother to Marney and Grandma to Greg's Grandpa Werthman.
Suddenly, much of that back story is gone. So what Character am I now?
Things change. We are constantly rewriting our back stories. With my new perspective, this time, I am writing a back story featuring my best self. Someone who isn't putting anyone else first. Someone who won't be shushed any more. Someone who enjoys life, and cares for herself.
I began that rewrite sitting behind Leiren's drum kit. Who is Grandma Lea? She plays drums. She plays the piano - suddenly I WANT TO PLAY THE KEYBOARDS! Holy shit, I'm finally ready!
But make no mistake, this rewrite is going to be bumpy. I have recently been very clumsy in my attempts to Care For Myself. Rather than wonder about something (and worry, and let my imagination take me where I need not go), I asked for information straight from the source. It was a new tactic for me, speaking up for what I need. I was awful at it - I hurt the person's feeling with my clumsiness, and felt terrible afterwards. But I also felt like I had taken an important step in turning from Worry, Wonder, and The Past, towards taking charge of designing my Better Life.
Some day, I may approach you with a weird question. It may seem out of left field, or it may be something you never even thought about before. I am still gathering the information I need to turn and embrace the Story of my future. So I ask for your forgiveness in advance - and thank all of the folks who have been gentle and gracious with me up until now.
My Story will come together, and I promise, it has a very happy ending.
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