Truth

When an emotional bomb blows up much of what you thought was your reality, the search for truth takes on a life-or-death intensity. In the months since my marriage was declared dead, I was inspired by a need to just figure out my Story – to understand and begin to define My Truth (because, ultimately, that is the only Truth I can really know - but that is another blog posting). In those early days, I was a bit lost, and I needed to fill in some important information gaps. And there were many. So I asked some people some tough questions to help me understand what was happening.

Along the way, I ended up being reminded of something fundamental in the human psyche: we tend to be emotional cowards, by and large. It is so much easier, it seems, to tell a lie in answer to a direct question, than to tell the truth and have to deal with the consequences. Call it Conflict Resolution. Call it Crisis Intervention. Call it Social Convention. Call it whatever you like. But the result, for the receiver of the lie, can be far worse than the truth would ever have been. I have known this for a long time. I always answer those tough questions when they are asked of me. But I didn’t realize just how pervasive this cowardice is. How easy it is for most people to just “avoid confrontation”, or, worse yet, “spare someone’s feelings” with that little lie, and think nothing of it. And ultimately, I fell victim to it.

Since January and the Bomb – which emanated from just such a lie – I had been carrying around a painful knot of anger and resentment, and needed to find a way to release it so that I could be free to move forward. I needed to heal. Once I had assembled My Truth, I found I was finally ready to reconcile with all the painful parts of my Story. I was ready for reconciliation. For me, that means being able to learn from and honour all the painful parts of my Story, while not letting it define what my future is going to be. 

To reconcile with Greg, and continue my healing, I first needed to know that I had been heard. So, working with our therapist, I focused on telling My Truth so I could begin to feel that Greg truly understood the pain I was experiencing. And through some wonderfully open and authentic conversations, I am happy to say that we came to a place where I could forgive him for his part in The Bombing, and let it go. 

And I can tell you that, in the very moment I spoke the words "I forgive you", I could actually feel my spirit lighten, and the tightness in my chest begin to loosen up.

Forgiveness. It is miraculous. Just like pain, anger is not a sustainable place to live in emotionally. I can’t imagine living in anger – or worse, hatred – for any extended period of time without it physically breaking down your body.

No, forgiveness is essential to healing. Letting go of the pain and freeing both parties from being tied to the Past. But there was one more big surprise waiting for me: in the event that you don’t feel heard, when you don’t feel the other party has acknowledged any responsibility, or when they simply don’t get you, that’s ok, too. Because my big revelation is this: I don’t need to be right. I just need to be heard. That is enough to let go. 

So I am now free of The Bombing. It has been fully integrated into my Story, and no longer has any power to hurt me.

I read somewhere recently that there are two kinds of forgiveness: the kind where you keep the person in your life, and the kind where you don’t. I have practiced both, and either way, by speaking my truth, I have been freed from that poison knot in my chest.

Forgiveness rocks.

It helps, too, having such a great circle of honest, authentic friends who are both brave enough to hear my truth, and courageous enough to speak their own. Thanks to this latest adventure on my journey, as an added bonus, I now also have the wisdom to know how important this is – and the discernment to choose accordingly who comes along with me from here on out.