Space, Time, and Building a Box

My husband and I grew up in very different circumstances. My parents were the quintessential Partners in Crime, only to be separated by the death of my mother. Marriage for me was a Forever thing, featuring two people who together were stronger and better because of the partnership.

For Greg, the stories were quite different. Let’s just say that he was exposed at a very early age to a somewhat more fluid concept of “partnership” and “fidelity”. It’s a wonder, really, that he chose to try this little experiment with “marriage” at all.

Now that we are separated, Greg feels he is free to behave as a single man. So while we still live at the same address, committed to finishing what we’ve started with this house, he is living a separate life – moving on.

And this is where our difference in backgrounds has reared its ugly head.

I would never date anyone who was separated, much less married. Even as my last marriage was ending, I took Space and Time to heal before entertaining the thought of dating Greg. I wanted to come to my next relationship whole and healed, not broken and carrying baggage. But most of all, that is my value system.

Greg simply doesn’t get that. And why would he? His frame of reference is so different from mine. And in his mind, apparently, “the marriage has been over for years”.

So he is now dating – our bass player (sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth). And this story just got messier. At this point, I had some options:

• Get really, really, angry, and throw him out (yep, thought about that one a LOT);
• Get really, really, sad, and throw myself in the river (that thought comes to me some nights instead of sleep); or
• Get really, really, smart, and stay focused on the Long Game.

After some good talks with our therapist, I am choosing the third option. In the grand scheme of things, Greg and I are still committed to getting through this intact. We don’t want to fight about money; we have clear agreement on our plans for finishing the house; and we don’t want to get ugly or mean with each other. So how do I get through this?

I see clearly that this is a matter of perspective. I finally understand that I can't apply my Expectations to someone else's reality. You see, I get that Greg truly believes he is not being unfaithful to me. From his perspective, he is right. So who am I to tell him otherwise? Seriously, at this stage of the game, it's small stuff.

It's up to me to find a way to reconcile it with my Expectations.

And I can only do that with Space, Time, and by Building a Box. Space and time are helping me accept this latest bump in the road, and I am working on building a box into which I will stuff the things that are lurking in the shallows to drag me down:

• Don’t think about it.
• Don’t think about it.
• Don't think about it.

Box-building is an interesting activity. It is an act of sheer will to say “get in the box!” when a nasty thought enters. With practice, it is getting easier. 

In the fullness of time, and with a little space, our friendship may yet survive. After 13 years together, that is the only option. I still see Greg as an honourable, sincere man, with whom I have shared so much that I will always value. I will not dishonor everything we’ve had over this latest clash in values.

So for the time being, I will Build my Box, and work hard to fill the time and space between now and when I’m ready to open it with love, no more anger. That's over.

Love and respect is where we started this chapter of our lives. With this Perspective adjustment, I can find my way back to that Centre - and to the healthier side of the Continuum...