Let's Talk

For the first little while, I imagine this is exactly what shell shock feels like.

A deep ache, sense of displacement from one’s body,
a sucking swamp of painful waves of sorrow.

Stuck in a loop of sad. Over and over. 

TV helps distract from the roaring in my ears. 

But it does not substitute for Going Through It.

The hardest part is the inability to hold a damned thought in my head.

I open an e-mail window and forget why.

I pick up a tool, head into a room, and forget why.

I sleep for a few minutes, then I wake. 

I cry. 

I have never cried like this in my life. I have made myself sick crying.

My face is changing. Bags are appearing under my eyes. 

I look in the mirror and see Exactly Why He Left Me.

But in those few moments outside of my body, 

when I disconnect from the bruised Ego,

put aside words like Humiliation, Embarrassment, Disrespect,

for a brief moment,

I know that I am better than that.

I know that the Lea who is going to find a way to rise above 

even this cliche moment

is so much bigger than this.

So, I talk. I talk to my psychotherapist, yes,
but I talk to my family. My friends.
I am open with my boss and colleagues about my current state of brokenness.
And I am getting better.
Every day, a little bit. Every day, more focused on my future rather than my past.

Without talking, I would have shattered.
Without asking for help, I would have sunk.
The difference between now and eight years ago is stunning.
Now, it's ok to ask for help.
Now, I can be open about how I am coping.
Now, I can share my story - and keep going.

Thank you to the Bell's Let's Talk Campaign. Thank you to Do It For Daron. Thank you to I'm Not Myself Today. Thank you to the champions for mental health at the Royal Ottawa who have been reaching out to us for years to show us how this Revolution is going to save lives.

Talk. Share. Ask for Help. You are not alone. 

The Year of Feminine Power

When I started planning the Gathering of My Inspiring Women party, little did I know that I had picked the same day that many marches of solidarity were going to be taking place around the globe. There was something in the air on Saturday, January 21^st. The Feminine Spirit was out and making itself heard.

My party started innocently enough as an excuse to get some of my best, most inspiring women friends together to bash a piñata my kid sister had made for me. As the date grew closer, I realized that what made these women so special to me was what they had come to represent: values I respect and want to emulate in my own life. Here was the gathering of my Women Angels:

·         Christine: a compassionate leader, and woman of faith, she is SPIRIT.

·         Nancy: someone who lives life to the fullest, and shines light on all around her, she is PASSION.

·         Gabrielle: this woman has a wide-open heart, and is afraid of nothing. She is COURAGE.

·         Liza: my step-mother is the embodiment of GRACE. She is gracious, kind, and caring to the core.

·         Diana: her sister, a fine artist who captures the best in everything she sees, she is BEAUTY.

·         Cathy: my best friend, she has been through wars with her ex husband, and survived a cancer scare, yet through it all she is LOVE.

·         Sarah: her sister, with a smile that lights up the world, and a heart focused on helping others, she is LIGHT.

·         Heather: this young woman met me when I was teaching, and she symbolizes all of the best of our future generations. She is LIFE.

·         Jennifer: although we met through work , I connected deeply with this woman who has shown me how to bring INTEGRITY and intention to everything I do.

I wanted these women to know what an important part of my life they have been, and will continue to be, as I work on reinventing myself for 2017 and beyond. As I rewrite my life script, reshape my character’s back story, these are the qualities I will bring forward with me. Even as I struggle to reconcile with the pain and humiliation of an icky end to my marriage, I am going to follow Michelle Obama’s mantra and Go High. I will not let resentment and anger win. But nor will I roll over and play dead. I know what I need to get through this, and it starts with gathering my own village of women around to support me – they are the wind beneath my wings.

I encourage you to look around your circle of friends. Who are the ones who bring out the best in you? Who exemplifies the best qualities? Who are your role models? Make a list. See how you are surrounded by Angels. And yes, invite them over to your house one day for a little Diva Stew. The brew they will leave with you will strengthen and nourish you to face whatever may come.

The Clumsy Journey of a Storyteller Finding Her Voice

The film of my 2017 will have that as its working title.

I know my mission: to always go high. To leave everything I touch better for my having been there.

My mission informs my Story. But my Story currently includes all the drama attached to my personal mental health, my advocacy and my professional work lives. It also includes huge, unexpected and dramatic changes in my circumstances.

My self care regime as I have been working through this painful time - with a caring, compassionate husband, a great therapist, and a huge support network - includes the practice of mindfulness. This useful exercise has helped me understand and connect with my own internal Storyteller's voice so much better. In moments of extreme anxiety, sadness, or stress, the exercise of taking an observer's stance, acknowledging the thoughts but not being consumed by them, has been enlightening for me.

I begin to understand how important the concept of Character is to my world view.

You see, I had my own Character's entire back story written. Wife. Co-host of the Friday Night Open Stage. Musical partner to Greg, one of the finest men I know and a monster talent just waiting to be discovered. Co-owner of Meadow Lane Studio, with a vision to help other musical voices find expression. Step-mother to Marney and Grandma to Greg's Grandpa Werthman.

Suddenly, much of that back story is gone. So what Character am I now?

Things change. We are constantly rewriting our back stories. With my new perspective, this time, I am writing a back story featuring my best self. Someone who isn't putting anyone else first. Someone who won't be shushed any more. Someone who enjoys life, and cares for herself.

I began that rewrite sitting behind Leiren's drum kit. Who is Grandma Lea? She plays drums. She plays the piano - suddenly I WANT TO PLAY THE KEYBOARDS! Holy shit, I'm finally ready!

But make no mistake, this rewrite is going to be bumpy. I have recently been very clumsy in my attempts to Care For Myself. Rather than wonder about something (and worry, and let my imagination take me where I need not go), I asked for information straight from the source. It was a new tactic for me, speaking up for what I need. I was awful at it - I hurt the person's feeling with my clumsiness, and felt terrible afterwards. But I also felt like I had taken an important step in turning from Worry, Wonder, and The Past, towards taking charge of designing my Better Life.

Some day, I may approach you with a weird question. It may seem out of left field, or it may be something you never even thought about before.  I am still gathering the information I need to turn and embrace the Story of my future. So I ask for your forgiveness in advance - and thank all of the folks who have been gentle and gracious with me up until now.

My Story will come together, and I promise, it has a very happy ending.