Purpose

I think the search for Purpose has always driven me. Whether it was caring for my sick mother, a dying friend, or building a new city hall, I have always been most alive when living what I believed to be a purpose-driven life.  

I am incredibly lucky to have found a sense of Purpose in my work – it has always been there for me as a refuge whenever chaos reigned elsewhere in my life (oh, so many times...). My work in public relations has always been about being a force for good in the world, bringing communities together or changing a significant conversation. But I have always longed for that spot in my heart to be filled with Family. My Family.

So when I married Greg in 2004, I was All In. Building a life together, being his partner, becoming a step-mother to an amazing young woman, and joining his extensive and welcoming family, became my new Purpose. So much of my evolving identity during my 40s emerged from simply being His Wife. My career only benefitted from my new sense of security, and from the loving support of my husband as I chased every goal I set for myself. Together, I believed we were stronger than we were separately. 

One of the first of many songs Greg wrote for me was called "Hermit Wife", where he invited me to live away from everyone in our little cave, emerging occasionally to dazzle the world with the art we had created together. We played it at our wedding, and from then on pursued a very internal life for 13 years – until he decided to leave me last Fall.

Suddenly, a huge chunk of my Purpose, and my identity, was ripped away. I was left with a gaping hole in my being, where once He and My Life As Mrs Werthman resided. And on top of all that, to survive, I had to come out of my Hermit Cave. I had to learn how to face outward – to realize that I am not alone, I am just by myself right now. 

My Purpose now is simply to reclaim my life as ME, and to find a way to fill that gaping hole in my being. These circumstances – harsh as they were – also have forced me to turn my gaze outward, rather than inward. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I am fully open to the people I encounter and the opportunities life brings to me. I talk to everyone I meet, and my world is opening up in surprising ways. 

Once again, gifts emerge from the mists of my grief. Funny how that happens…

I know that the reason I am on this planet is to be a big fat beating heart for the world. It is who I am – I feel deeply, wear my heart on my sleeve, and am always searching for meaning and purpose. My default position is love, and my only mistake up until now was that I did not give myself what I was giving everyone else. I am learning so much about myself, and meeting some of the most intriguing people who challenge me with new ideas every day. As the champion for wellness at work, I am deepening my facilitation skills, sharing my own story, and leading a corps of volunteers who have joined me on this mission to transform our workplace culture. 

But that is only the beginning. There is a big, confusing, and chaotic world out there that needs a chorus of Wonder Women like me, with big fat beating hearts and a sense of Purpose, to guide it to a better way. I continue to be inspired by my tribe of women who are coming together around a shared need to be so much more of ourselves. I think that there are groups like us all around the world, finally wakening from a gender-based slumber that has required us to be in service to others, rather than ourselves. We hand a two-year-old boy a truck to go build something, but we give a two-year-old girl a doll – so she can start practicing for the rest of her life caring for something that depends on her for survival. 

So here I am, at the very moment that I am stepping into my Purpose, opening up to the world. My evolving identity as this person called Lea Werthman is filled with such promise; there is so much undiscovered country here. My challenge now is to make sure I remember when to get out of my own way and ride this wave. People and ideas are showing up in my life that are calling me to dream big and trust that I Have Got This. 

With that, I invite you, if you have the inclination, to join me for this next chapter. As a writer, a romantic, and a philosopher, my new blog, Love Letters, will be very personal stories about my adventures. These are love letters written to myself, but also written intentionally for anyone who cares to do so to come along on this shared journey of self-discovery on my path to Becoming…

Space, and the Space Between

This New and Improved Lea has certainly learned some shit in the last six months. Mostly, I have learned how to be in relationship with myself: I listen to the wisdom of my body, honour and speak my truth, and I am being reborn.

In my time listening to Louise Lebrun’s teachings, the concept of The Space Between captured my imagination and became the entry point for a conversation with myself about what my body is telling me. More importantly, she introduced me to the concept of the space in between all of those cells of organic matter that make up this amazing piece of biological machinery that carries me around.

This is the place where the energy that is my unique life force moves and makes its magic. That Space Between, when I embrace its possibility, can be called upon for help when I have back pain. I imagine it filling with strong liquid strength, shoring up my spine where it has been weakened.  

I feel its strength as I stand taller, shoulders back, lifting my heart to the sky when I take my daily walks. I feel its strength wrapping around my fragile heart, holding the pieces together in those crying sessions where I find I have tapped into a lifetime’s worth of unshed tears. And its presence will keep me company as I enter this next phase of my journey: the DETOX.

Space is more than the final frontier. It is the place where possibility exists. In my ongoing discovery of what I Am Becoming, I know that I need to create Space for myself to just be. That involves making some deliberate choices and making some changes. I need to focus on the present, and to dream big about the future I am creating.

The first thing to go for my Detox is Facebook. In the last several months, I have seen how Facebook has had the power to undo me in a single “update”. I started carefully unfollowing people, trying to create a news feed that wouldn’t hurt me every time I looked at it. And then it finally dawned on me: JUST STOP.

Not forever. I love the community, I love the possibility, and I still want to share important milestones with my facebook friends. But for a while, I am going to go without. Consider it a cleanse. I will do a deep dive into my work, spend real quality face time with people I love, keep embracing my Space Between, and ultimately this space and time will help me put my Great Sadness in perspective.

See you in a bit. Now go play in the garden, hang out with a friend, see some theatre, play a guitar, sing a song -  dance!

The Gift of NOW

With so much up in the air, it is folly to make plans. More to the point, until my place back on the right side of the Continuum is secure, it is folly to think about anything but making the most of my right NOW. During this time in transition, it is still sometimes nothing more than reminding myself how to breathe.

But there has been growth, too. The Gift of Pain has really paid dividends this time. Several months of diligent self-care, exercise, and deliberate work with my Soul Fire sisters, have given me new insights into how to seize control of my life. When those pain-filled moments come now - and they still do, every day - they somehow have a different quality. Instead of letting them rip open my wounds, I am learning how to step out of the way of those waves of energy, and let them pass through me. I body-surf, crying when I need to, laughing at other times. I don't ask why, I don't label it as Sadness, or Anger, or Resentment, I don't start telling those same old stories about my Tale of Woe, I just relax, think of no words at all, and let the energy rush through me. It has a purpose!

Crying is amazing when you use it right. It releases healing chemicals. If you learn how to breathe through it like I have, if you use it to vocalize, it rushes through and out, taking with it all the toxins that I would normally have trapped in my body by "going there", thinking old crappy thoughts and being Sad, or Angry, or Resentful... NO. I recognize now that my body just needs to cleanse itself - and these waves are helping me finally find a way to let those old thoughts go. I don't shhhhhh myself. Crying, laughing, talking, it's all encouraged, and it's all serving me well.

It's still going to take a lot of time and practice. I still have bad days, bad minutes, bad nights. I have to keep working on this just like I have to do an hour's practice on the drums every day if I hope to get any better. It's the every day routine that builds new neural pathways. Living in the NOW means that every minute, I have the opportunity to choose anew. To sit or stand. To check out, or get up and go for a walk. And every day, it gets easier, more compelling, more interesting, to keep moving. Every day, new surprising things happen when I just make myself available to NOW.

This week, I begin a 10-day journaling exercise with my Sisters that I know is going to be amazing. That it coincides with the crescendo of my Workplace Wellbeing project at my day job is quite simply amazing. How could I possibly NOT embrace the NOW when there is so much available to me?

So as I enter this next stage of my separation - the legal and financial process has now begun - I expect to be better prepared than I have ever been before. These are very tricky waters for me - issues related to money and safety are deeply embedded in my Story of Woe, and there are many potential triggers here that could send me off into my old sad patterns.

So I will stay in the NOW, continue to draw on my support network, and trust that I can be compassionate, fair, and supportive without being anyone's victim in the process. That I can just be me - and that will be enough. Because I will not let those waves crash into me - I will instead let them lift me up and over all the jagged rocks below.

Truth

When an emotional bomb blows up much of what you thought was your reality, the search for truth takes on a life-or-death intensity. In the months since my marriage was declared dead, I was inspired by a need to just figure out my Story – to understand and begin to define My Truth (because, ultimately, that is the only Truth I can really know - but that is another blog posting). In those early days, I was a bit lost, and I needed to fill in some important information gaps. And there were many. So I asked some people some tough questions to help me understand what was happening.

Along the way, I ended up being reminded of something fundamental in the human psyche: we tend to be emotional cowards, by and large. It is so much easier, it seems, to tell a lie in answer to a direct question, than to tell the truth and have to deal with the consequences. Call it Conflict Resolution. Call it Crisis Intervention. Call it Social Convention. Call it whatever you like. But the result, for the receiver of the lie, can be far worse than the truth would ever have been. I have known this for a long time. I always answer those tough questions when they are asked of me. But I didn’t realize just how pervasive this cowardice is. How easy it is for most people to just “avoid confrontation”, or, worse yet, “spare someone’s feelings” with that little lie, and think nothing of it. And ultimately, I fell victim to it.

Since January and the Bomb – which emanated from just such a lie – I had been carrying around a painful knot of anger and resentment, and needed to find a way to release it so that I could be free to move forward. I needed to heal. Once I had assembled My Truth, I found I was finally ready to reconcile with all the painful parts of my Story. I was ready for reconciliation. For me, that means being able to learn from and honour all the painful parts of my Story, while not letting it define what my future is going to be. 

To reconcile with Greg, and continue my healing, I first needed to know that I had been heard. So, working with our therapist, I focused on telling My Truth so I could begin to feel that Greg truly understood the pain I was experiencing. And through some wonderfully open and authentic conversations, I am happy to say that we came to a place where I could forgive him for his part in The Bombing, and let it go. 

And I can tell you that, in the very moment I spoke the words "I forgive you", I could actually feel my spirit lighten, and the tightness in my chest begin to loosen up.

Forgiveness. It is miraculous. Just like pain, anger is not a sustainable place to live in emotionally. I can’t imagine living in anger – or worse, hatred – for any extended period of time without it physically breaking down your body.

No, forgiveness is essential to healing. Letting go of the pain and freeing both parties from being tied to the Past. But there was one more big surprise waiting for me: in the event that you don’t feel heard, when you don’t feel the other party has acknowledged any responsibility, or when they simply don’t get you, that’s ok, too. Because my big revelation is this: I don’t need to be right. I just need to be heard. That is enough to let go. 

So I am now free of The Bombing. It has been fully integrated into my Story, and no longer has any power to hurt me.

I read somewhere recently that there are two kinds of forgiveness: the kind where you keep the person in your life, and the kind where you don’t. I have practiced both, and either way, by speaking my truth, I have been freed from that poison knot in my chest.

Forgiveness rocks.

It helps, too, having such a great circle of honest, authentic friends who are both brave enough to hear my truth, and courageous enough to speak their own. Thanks to this latest adventure on my journey, as an added bonus, I now also have the wisdom to know how important this is – and the discernment to choose accordingly who comes along with me from here on out.

The Power of Story

I am fascinated by story. But more than that, I am held together by it.

Story makes everything make sense for me.

Story allows me to Build Boxes when I need them.

Story helps me regain perspective.

Story enables me to reconcile with painful experiences and move on.

Story allows me to put judgement aside and replace it with Love.

Story empowers me to channel my emotions in constructive and creative ways.

Ok, I hear you: Story is also the work of Rationalization. The number one way to talk yourself into or out of things you maybe shouldn’t. Storytelling in times of extreme stress can – as I have experienced a few times now – be a hazardous game. I count on my audience feedback to sometimes call me on stuff (thank you). But it is a HUGE comfort, and great therapy.

I will be doing a lot of storytelling in the months to come, as our mental health campaign ramps up. Mine is a victory story: one of how a supportive employer, access to great therapy, and a gracious partner have helped me come through an experience that not so many years ago might have been much more devastating to me. I would likely have suffered in silence, too ashamed to seek help. I shudder to think of it now – and that is how far we’ve come in de-stigmatizing mental illness.

Hallelujah. All Power to the Story.

Furthermore...

The beauty of social media – immediate feedback – is that I gain important insight into the effect of my words. I need this now more than ever – my emotions are on full power, and I am not going to get many things right. This is one of those times.

In my last post, it appears that I insulted my in-laws and the entire clan. That was not my intention. In fact, one of the many beautiful things I loved about being part of this family was how everyone – everyone – was still on good terms. They are this huge, complicated, lovely family and they are living proof that what Greg believed to be true made sense. I thank them for that. They helped me finally Get It.

No, I do not mean to cast aspersions on anyone. I have learned that everyone must be free to be themselves, live their lives, and sometimes, things don’t work out. Sometimes, we disagree on things. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s just about Different. My anger came from my own place of hurt, and I wrapped it in a blanket of words that didn’t hit the notes I wanted.

This is still first and foremost my journey – it involves taking charge, probably for the first time, of my mental health. It involves exploring the self esteem issues I have accumulated over the years. It involves focusing on love and respect in all of my interactions.

Somehow, I needed to tell this story of how I am managing, perhaps as a way of having some control over the script of The End of Our Marriage. I still want this to be a story with a happy ending – like all of the other happy endings my husband’s family has demonstrated can be possible.

So I will stop talking about anyone but myself in this blog and elsewhere on social media. I am very sorry to have come across as judgemental. I love and admire the entire bunch of them, and miss them terribly. I still hope that that relationship also will survive. Only Time and Space will tell.