This is the hard part. Changing our relationship such that Greg
can have what he wants: a separate existence. I can physically feel this act of
separating from him, and it hurts – frankly, I’ve been feeling it ever since
the May Announcement. But the pain will pass once I’ve adjusted. Meanwhile, I am
taking care to monitor my emotions, which are very much in flux from minute to
minute. But one thing my therapist helped me decide to do: no more afternoon
rush hour traffic for me! I am absolutely RAGING behind the wheel right now,
and I arrive home exhausted, frustrated, and angrier than hell. All of my anger
is going there at the moment – so until I regain my balance, I shall avoid it.
Separate (adjective): Forming or viewed as a unit apart or by itself; not joined
or touching physically.
This is what Greg wants. To be apart, not joined to me. So that
is what I will give him:
1) No more making music together. Let’s face it, I’m a Writer
who likes to make music with her friends (most especially with her husband); Greg and
most of our Music Family are really more Musicians who happen to have Day Jobs. Living
separate has to mean that Greg gets the Music Family.
2) Living apart: I’m so glad we have the studio. Greg has moved
in there, and I wish for him an amazing winter of hibernating and recording to
his heart’s content.
The first night apart came sooner than I thought – suddenly
grabbing a cot and heading out there last night, I wasn’t even sure he had
sheets and blankets! It was a weepy night for me, and a very rough morning as a result
– but I’m going to start chanting “embrace the bed, embrace the bed” and enjoy
having a comfy king-sized bed to myself (my poor Ralphie can’t even sleep there
any more….).
Meanwhile, I’ve put together a plan to take extra special care of myself. I
am putting together a routine that includes mediation, yoga, and an adjusted
work schedule that allows me to focus on staying as calm as I can. I am once
again immensely grateful to have the kind of work I can do remotely when need
be, and a supportive workplace that will accommodate me. Part of my crusade is
to encourage all employers to do the same.
Thank you all for all your kind words. My mother – rest her soul
– would be turning over in her grave right now (if she had one). She would
never have approved of me being so public with my private life. I think I
really internalized that, to the degree that I carried my own stigma around
acknowledging the importance of actively working on my own mental health.
Perhaps this is one family tradition I shall let go.
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