Hiding My Light

As I continue to unpack my “self-esteem issue” (I should really give it a name – how about “IT” – picture a creepy clown hanging out under a bridge, whispering nasty things… yes, “IT”…), I realize that it doesn’t help that I have lived my entire life being shushed.

You see, I have a rather big personality. (“No shit, Sherlock!” says anyone who has even a passing acquaintance with me.) Throughout my life, my biggest asset has also been my biggest liability: my enthusiasm is HUGE when it’s lit with purpose. My mom found me loud. As a student, I was known to dominate classroom discussions.

In my time in The Service, I have heard more than once that my big personality is overwhelming, and have even been coached on how to harness my energy and keep it under “control”. And just recently, I’ve already bumped clumsily into a few people with my elephantine charge into this new/old Cause of mine.

There are times when my Big Personality work for me, though: playing the drums, singing (as I’m just starting to discover), teaching, and public speaking.

I am resolved in my battle with IT that, rather than worry about Bumping in to people, I shall find outlets where I can Be Myself unapologetically. One of those places will be here, on my blog. I will always be fully myself when I am storytelling. I just need to continue to be sensitive to keeping to my own story. 

Just in case I bump into you along the way, though: my apologies. I’ve always been a Big Girl. Sometimes I bump into things.

The Gift of Pain

I have spent more time crying over the last month than I can ever remember. 

As I write those words, I realize I’ve uncorked a bottle of sadness I’ve been topping up and carrying around with me for 35 years. My Big Bag of Pain. Pain from a litany of loss and abandonment. Pain from a sense of self worth that has barely ever registered, no matter what "accomplishments" I might have had. 

But the best thing about pain is this: it is UNENDURABLE. Eventually, you either find a way to cope, or you break in to a million pieces. It demands that you DO SOMETHING. And that, I believe, is its gift.

Meeting Megan’s daughter a month ago started turning things around for me. I chose to use that Moment to ritualize my letting go of the Pain of Losing Megan. And thanks to some advice from one of my many Work Family members who is caring for me, I realize that letting go is both spiritual and physical. So in the coming weeks as I sweat, drum, and spa the residual Pain out of my body, I will be better able to react and adjust to what’s happening now with Greg. If my Reconciliation Story is about integrating all the aspects of my Story, I can put a check mark beside “Pain”. My next, and most important task: to embrace the Wonder that is Lea. 

Now my real work begins - and therein lies the true Gift of my Big Bag of Pain.

Step one in the PR process: state the problem. 

Here’s the curious thing I discovered about myself: I look on Lea, the APR, Lea, the prof, Lea, the past President, Lea, the cool Grandma, as somehow outside of my real self. I’m quick to embrace my Sad Self, but accomplished Lea is somehow a show, a costume I put on. What the hell is that?? Yesterday, as I’m driving to my dad’s to have a good sweat in his sauna, I realized: this is a reputation management challenge - I need to do PR for/on myself! And I’m a freaking pro at that. 

I learned from my modest and shy mother to be invisible and put others first. She couldn’t take a compliment. Neither can I. But as I laboured over my application for membership in the CPRS College of Fellows, I couldn’t NOT notice my body of work - and be proud. If I am accepted, I shall be in Kelowna next year to celebrate it in person with my PR family. 

Dammit, I am (exceptionally) good at PR precisely because of who I am. I was made for this work. It makes me feel fully alive, gives me a sense of purpose, and puts me in a dynamic, creative community of people who want to change the world. I’m a pretty great drummer, too, with a lovely voice and lots to contribute to my musical family all on my own. I helped Marney buy her first home. I’m managing my Broken Heart in the best way I know how - to preserve what matters: my enduring friendship with one of the finest men I know.

Yeah, I have to learn to take a compliment. As my friend Christine said yesterday, “acknowledge the amazing person that you are right now”. 

Sophie Trudeau invited us to begin our Self Esteem reclamation journey by writing a love letter to ourselves. My friend and I looked at each other, with tears in our eyes - I whispered “I’m not even sure I could do that!” What a thing to realize about yourself!

So, the ultimate gift of releasing this Big Bag of Pain is showing me my true Reconciliation Story. In this next chapter, I hope to find myself falling in love all over again - with me.