I think the search for Purpose has always driven
me. Whether it was caring for my sick mother, a dying friend, or building a new
city hall, I have always been most alive when living what I believed to be a purpose-driven life.
I am incredibly lucky to have found a sense of Purpose in my work – it has always been there for me as a refuge whenever chaos reigned elsewhere in my life (oh, so many times...). My work in public relations has always been about being a force for good in the world, bringing communities together or changing a significant conversation. But I have always longed for that spot in my heart to be filled with Family. My Family.
So when I married Greg in 2004, I was All In. Building a life together, being his partner, becoming a step-mother to an amazing young woman, and joining his extensive and welcoming family, became my new Purpose. So much of my evolving identity during my 40s emerged from simply being His Wife. My career only benefitted from my new sense of security, and from the loving support of my husband as I chased every goal I set for myself. Together, I believed we were stronger than we were separately.
One of the first of many songs Greg wrote for me was called "Hermit Wife", where he invited me to live away from everyone in our little cave, emerging occasionally to dazzle the world with the art we had created together. We played it at our wedding, and from then on pursued a very internal life for 13 years – until he decided to leave me last Fall.
Suddenly, a huge chunk of my Purpose, and
my identity, was ripped away. I was left with a gaping hole in my being, where
once He and My Life As Mrs Werthman resided. And on top of all that, to survive, I had to
come out of my Hermit Cave. I had to learn how to face outward – to realize
that I am not alone, I am just by myself right now.
My Purpose now is simply to reclaim my life as ME, and to find a way to fill that gaping hole in my being. These circumstances – harsh as they were – also have forced me to turn my gaze outward, rather than inward. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I am fully open to the people I encounter and the opportunities life brings to me. I talk to everyone I meet, and my world is opening up in surprising ways.
Once again, gifts emerge from the mists of my
grief. Funny how that happens…
I know that the reason I am on this planet is to
be a big fat beating heart for the world. It is who I am – I feel deeply,
wear my heart on my sleeve, and am always searching for meaning and
purpose. My default position is love, and my only mistake up until now was that
I did not give myself what I was giving everyone else. I am learning so
much about myself, and meeting some of the most intriguing people who challenge
me with new ideas every day. As the champion for wellness at work, I am deepening my facilitation skills, sharing my own story, and leading a corps of
volunteers who have joined me on this mission to transform our workplace
culture.
But that is only the beginning. There is a big, confusing, and chaotic world out there that needs a chorus of Wonder Women like me, with big fat beating hearts and a sense of Purpose, to guide it to a better way. I continue to be inspired by my tribe of women who are coming together around a shared need to be so much more of ourselves. I think that there are groups like us all around the world, finally wakening from a gender-based slumber that has required us to be in service to others, rather than ourselves. We hand a two-year-old boy a truck to go build something, but we give a two-year-old girl a doll – so she can start practicing for the rest of her life caring for something that depends on her for survival.
So here I am, at the very moment that I am
stepping into my Purpose, opening up to the world. My evolving identity as
this person called Lea Werthman is filled with such promise; there is so much
undiscovered country here. My challenge now is to make sure I remember when to
get out of my own way and ride this wave. People and ideas are showing up in my
life that are calling me to dream big and trust that I Have Got This.
