With so much up in the air, it is folly to make plans. More to the point, until my place back on the right side of the Continuum is secure, it is folly to think about anything but making the most of my right NOW. During this time in transition, it is still sometimes nothing more than reminding myself how to breathe.
But there has been growth, too. The Gift of Pain has really paid dividends this time. Several months of diligent self-care, exercise, and deliberate work with my Soul Fire sisters, have given me new insights into how to seize control of my life. When those pain-filled moments come now - and they still do, every day - they somehow have a different quality. Instead of letting them rip open my wounds, I am learning how to step out of the way of those waves of energy, and let them pass through me. I body-surf, crying when I need to, laughing at other times. I don't ask why, I don't label it as Sadness, or Anger, or Resentment, I don't start telling those same old stories about my Tale of Woe, I just relax, think of no words at all, and let the energy rush through me. It has a purpose!
Crying is amazing when you use it right. It releases healing chemicals. If you learn how to breathe through it like I have, if you use it to vocalize, it rushes through and out, taking with it all the toxins that I would normally have trapped in my body by "going there", thinking old crappy thoughts and being Sad, or Angry, or Resentful... NO. I recognize now that my body just needs to cleanse itself - and these waves are helping me finally find a way to let those old thoughts go. I don't shhhhhh myself. Crying, laughing, talking, it's all encouraged, and it's all serving me well.
It's still going to take a lot of time and practice. I still have bad days, bad minutes, bad nights. I have to keep working on this just like I have to do an hour's practice on the drums every day if I hope to get any better. It's the every day routine that builds new neural pathways. Living in the NOW means that every minute, I have the opportunity to choose anew. To sit or stand. To check out, or get up and go for a walk. And every day, it gets easier, more compelling, more interesting, to keep moving. Every day, new surprising things happen when I just make myself available to NOW.
This week, I begin a 10-day journaling exercise with my Sisters that I know is going to be amazing. That it coincides with the crescendo of my Workplace Wellbeing project at my day job is quite simply amazing. How could I possibly NOT embrace the NOW when there is so much available to me?
So as I enter this next stage of my separation - the legal and financial process has now begun - I expect to be better prepared than I have ever been before. These are very tricky waters for me - issues related to money and safety are deeply embedded in my Story of Woe, and there are many potential triggers here that could send me off into my old sad patterns.
So I will stay in the NOW, continue to draw on my support network, and trust that I can be compassionate, fair, and supportive without being anyone's victim in the process. That I can just be me - and that will be enough. Because I will not let those waves crash into me - I will instead let them lift me up and over all the jagged rocks below.
